The Secrets Held Within, Chapter 25

Chapter 25 Facts and Finds

The next morning, I awake to a note from Stella taped to a full coffee pot. She’s out running. Coffee made, Stella out on a run, I choose to take my cup-o-Joe to the sun porch. A good sit sounded perfect this late morning. I need to set myself straight before I start a long day hunting down answers. As I pursue that secret place with God, it dawns on me that I should read the bible more…

Oh, Lord…here I am, so thankful to You for all You have shown me, all You have done for me…And yet, I find that I want more. Do I need more? You have all of the answers. You have shared some of them with me. How do I keep peace with where I am, while striving for the rest of what is meant for me to have? How do I find that balance?

My dear child, seek My rest and you shall find peace there. Waiting won’t feel such a heavy burden if you lean upon Me. Read the word and you will yet be closer to Me, still.

I sigh. Whether relief, contentment, or resignation I know not – Probably all of the above. Resting my head back, I close my eyes taking a deep slow breath. I feel better than I have in days, having accepted much that is out of my control. I am in that place with God that is secret and sacred. Sorry, can’t share more than that. Most likely because there are no words that exist in this physical world of ours that can possible do justice in explaining what God does with me in this sacred place.

The Secrets Held Within, Chapter 24

Chapter 24, Revelation Of The Heart

“I actually think I can work with that, if you would like me to do some digging around?” Todd didn’t miss a beat.

“Isn’t Chet a nickname though? For some reason, I feel that Chet is not his full name. Maybe it was for protection in anonymity?” Though, I couldn’t figure out why my father needed to hide his identity from…From whom? My mind was a blank.

“It could be. I’ll do a search of names associated with the nickname Chet.”

I nodded, becoming restless in my thoughts. My mind began traveling back to what Ava and Todd had said about the boarder, how that woman arrived after my mother left. “Did you search what school my mom went to?” I snuck a look at him. “Maybe my mother met my father in college? Is the timing right for that?”

“Yeah, I searched.” Todd seemed to suck in his breath. Time suspended. “There is no record she enrolled in college.”

The Secrets Held Within, Chapter 23

Chapter 23, The Return To Friends

Sitting before me were three curious faces. From left to right: Todd, Stella, Ava. What did I have to share? I didn’t know how to process what I had learned, let alone communicate it. So, I did what I have come used to doing these past couple of days. I leaned on God’s strength. I took a deep breath, about to explain myself, and my apparent disregard for the others in this room, shown by my departure, when Ava pierced the air with her words, running them together, seemingly afraid of my reaction to her starting. What she is unaware of, the time God has just gifted me with in sorting through my own scraps of information.

“I’m sorry. I see you are fine. Todd followed you when you left, returning when he saw that you were talking to the owners of Reticence Unlocked. Figuring you needed to do that alone, he returned and the three of us figured out a plan of gathering information. I must say, I can’t keep it in anymore.” Then she took a deep breath looking at me expectantly, as if awaiting my approval. She was sitting in an arm chair under the window, hands in her lap with fidgety fingers. Her knees were closed, though they bounced, peeking out from under a flowing purple skirt. I looked up to her face, noting the deep blue sweater that brought the plum out of the skirt in a striking way, her eyes wide, pools of insight within.

“Shoot.” I was more than happy to have the focus off of me, for a change. Plus, there is the potential that what they have collectively found might help me sort through my recent experiences. Lord, please give me continued strength in absorbing all I am meant to learn. Help guide my understanding of all of the pieces about to come together. Amen.

The Secrets Held Within, Chapter 22

Chapter 22, The Meadow

I have no idea what time it is, the sky darkish.

I am walking slowly, but with urgency; my stride a mind of its own. I am feeling guilty about having left Ivy, Ava, and Todd without word. I realize I do not have my cell phone. I pray that they do not worry. It occurs to me that I should also ask for guidance. And I do. The emotion in me swells, words escape me. In this moment, I feel but cannot think. I pray with my heart, trusting God to know what I am saying and choosing to believe that He will lead me where I am to go.

I brought the locket and letters with me, having placed them in my over-the-shoulder tote. The key must lead to something of worth. Why else would my grandmother show me where it was? I have given up trying to figure out exactly what that exchange was between us. A gift from God, enough said.

The last time I visited her she didn’t recognize me. I tried not to take it personally, remembering it’s the dementia. The disease has crippled her for years...though right now I wish we could talk about all that has emerged during this vacation. Maybe talking about it will spark a memory for her and she will be able to fill in any remaining gaps. I wonder if she was aware of the letters from my father to my mother…

And thinking of the letters, how could I not want to get to know my father better?

The Secrets Held Within, Chapter 21

Chapter 21, The Voice(s)

“Oh, Sweetie…”

I started at the familiar voice. It was love and acceptance wrapped in regret.

“Ivy, I am so sorry you have to go through all of this.”

I looked up, noticing my cheeks were wet. My vision, blurry at first, focused to bring out the details of a woman before me. She was wearing a long skirt, short sleeved blouse, and her hair was pulled back in a high bun. Clasping her hands together before her, she smiled at me: a knowing smile.

“Grandma?”

“Yes, Ivy…You have more than you know. All you need to do is open the door.”

“What door? I already opened a door…how am I seeing you? Why are you here?” I am aware that I still sit on my old bed, letters in my hand, the locked room a vivid memory.

“Sweetie, you know I love you?” Such a pained expression on her features, begging for forgiveness, pulls at my heart.

“Of course! I love you too…what is this all about?” My brain was fumbling to make sense of the words she spoke and the vision before me. This has to be a dream, I told myself.

The Secrets Held Within, Chapter 20

Chapter 20, More Answers Questions

Black…

Flickering of bright light…

Black…                   

Brings to mind a flashlight’s battery nearing death, but determination of the holder knocks it upside the head with hand, relentlessly.

Full blown brightness…

Startling success…

Everywhere…

The brightness dims, settling to a soft light, shadows rise in corners.

POP!

POP! POP! POP!

The Secrets Held Within, Chapter 19

Chapter 19, The Wandering Self

It’s decided: I am certifiably crazy!

I am such a mess right now; I don’t even know what to think. As I try to recollect the past few days, I am sent spinning, a force greater than I could ever hope to overcome. The mind is a mysterious maze of muddled muck! Fortunately, alliteration is on point!

Sarcasm is a wonderful coping tool…but only for a short while. It is amazing how much of the physical world falls away when one is lost within their mind: a dimension all its own, private, secret to the one in possession of said mind.

Sigh…

I am walking a pace that makes me appear to have some urgent errand to run: Purposeful. If only. Of course, I do have a purpose; I just have no way of knowing how to fulfill that purpose.

I keep repeating all that has transpired in the past seven days, a reel stuck on a loop, doomed to play forever. I can’t believe my vacation is half over and I feel farther from the truth than before I got here. My brain, working in overdrive, trying to summarize the information it’s absorbed into a cohesive paragraph of facts, interrupted by questions. Here it goes:

The Secrets Held Within, Chapter 18

Chapter 18, Oliver’s Return

I was doubled over in laughter. My sides felt as if they were being stitched, cinching my stomach closed. I was sitting with my mom at Overlook Pass. We had just had a picnic, its remnants still on the table. Mom was wearing a long dress and jacket; I was wearing a white blouse and blue suspendered skirt. It was a cool day, but all that was needed was a sweater.

Out of breath, but still smiling, Mom asked, “You ready, Ivy? Let’s get this packed up and I’ll drop you off at Grandma’s.”

“But I don’t want to go to Grandma’s!” I missed being with my Mom. I missed the store. I missed Ava.

She wouldn’t look at me, busying herself with cleaning up. “Honey, I have to go to the store–”

“Then take me with you! I haven’t been there in a week! And what about Ava? She’s going to think I hate her, and I miss her terribly! This is NOT fair!” I was on the verge of tears. What was happening? What did I do to make my mother so upset with me that she didn’t want me around anymore?

“Ivy,” Mom was losing patience, “There is a lot going on right now and I don’t need the distraction. You are going to your grandmother’s. Period.”

The Secrets Held Within, Chapter 17

Chapter 17, The Store

I inch closer, pressing my face against the glass, desperate to find out who is here. Not realizing how close my body is to the door, the sound of metal upon glass sends the intruder into a panic – my belt grazed the door. The figure stood quickly, looking in my direction. I stepped to the side of the door, leaning against the wall, my breathing loud in my head. I concentrated on my breathing, focusing on my lungs slowly expanding and contracting, aware of my diaphragm keeping rhythm. The sound of wood scraping against wood startles me. Instantly, I thought of the connecting door to Antiques, remembering a pocket door. Without thought, I ran through the cashier station to the store room to head off the intruder.

I did not expect to see what I found in the store… 

The Secrets Held Within, Bonus Material #5

Reticence Unlocked Bookstore Floor Plan

Image above is built, created, and drawn by me, The Paisley Butterfly.
Ivy's description found in:
CHAPTER 16

The Secrets Held Within, Chapter 16

Chapter 16, The Disorganized Mind

“Why have you kept silent for so long?” This question is asked by a man, clearly concerned, yet also bordering on angry.

I am sitting on the steps leading to the locked room. I know this now. The argument is taking place in the family room. It’s dark outside; I can hear the wind whipping through the trees. I am nervous, fearful of being caught eavesdropping.

“Because,” the words slow, thoughtful, but non-apologetic, “I thought it was the best thing for Ivy…” I recognize her voice, a memory within a dream: Mother. She sighs, sounding near to tears. I do not know where she is, for I am unable to see either of them, but imagine her sitting on the couch, elbows on knees, and head in her hands. Somehow, I have full recollection of what she looks like, how she positions her body, and the way her face changes with emotions. “I honestly thought I would never see him again.”

The Secrets Held Within, Chapter 15

Chapter 15, Silence Broken

“Ava?” I was astonished. I just stood before her, door open, my hand still resting on the door knob. She looked cold, still donning her lovely dress, though now adorned with a jacket. She clenched her clutch in front of her, both hands on handle. “Wh-what are you doing here?” That was not the only question running through my mind. I was also wondering, how did you know where I was? Why are you here in the middle of the night?

Stella approached my side, lightly placing her hand around my waist. It took me a moment to realize she was guiding me from the entry, to allow Ava passage into our warm cabin. “Hi, I’m Stella, Ivy’s friend. I just joined her. Please, come in. We have coffee. Would you like a cup?”

Ava tentatively crossed the threshold, unsure if she was truly welcome. Glancing at me, I came to and smiled, quickly saying, “Yes, I’m sorry. I seem to have forgotten my manners.” Able to move on my own accord, once again, I led Ava to the kitchen. Stella took her jacket and purse to the hall lockers. Suddenly, concern draped my body. Something had to have happened for her to come all the way out here, at two o’clock in the morning. “How do you like your coffee?” 

The Secrets Held Within, Chapter 14

Chapter 14, The Visitor

“So, this is the book?” Stella was sitting on the couch next to me in the cabin. We each had a mug of coffee, steam swirling in lovely whimsy. I had a decorative pillow in my lap, playing with the fringe, as my other hand was bordering on burnt from the scorching hot mug. I breathed in the aroma of freshly brewed dark roast, with a splash of Irish cream creamer. Stella’s mug was currently residing on a coaster atop the coffee table, Lillian Sander’s book in hand.

It was late. Darkness had encased the earth some hours ago, bringing Stella with it. The sound of her car door slamming shut, followed by the clicking of her skipping up the stairs to the porch, was a sigh of relief from heaven. She welcomed herself in yelling, “Hey love! Momma is here,” the moment the front door swung open. She was adorable in a blue dress, falling mid-thigh, with ruffles around the collar, meeting in a V just above the natural waist. Under the palest yellow sweater I have ever encountered, a thick brown belt cinched it all together. Her hair fell to her shoulders, an interesting strawberry blonde.

I met her in the hall, sporting sweatpants, which came just below the knee, and a hoody. My brown hair pulled up in a messy bun. In five minutes, her glamour was gone, replaced with natural beauty in comfort, matching messy bun and all.

“Yeah, that’s the book.” I felt empty. No, confused numbness – too many conflicting emotions, the toll of discernment an unbearable weight, leaving the only course of action to close in on itself – is more appropriate. I feel that I am at a crossroads, only there is no road to take. This map is a jumbled mess of inaccurate memories, facts that are vague, and doubt becoming a very prevalent reality.

The Secrets Held Within, Chapter 13

Chapter 13, The Blonde

After scouring the shelves for other books penned by Lillian Sanders, I came up empty handed. It baffled me that this book was in the antiques section of the store. The copyright date is 1960, clearly not old enough to be considered an antique. And I had no idea my grandmother was a published author. There was a lot to learn about my mother’s family.

I went in search of Todd, ready to get back to the cabin to search the internet. I was going to find out what kind of a writing career Lillian had.

As I exited the antique book room to pay for this find, I noticed the same blonde from my first day in the village, the one that ran when she saw me. I hesitated. Todd was talking to her, she was laughing. They seemed to have a history of some sort, at least they seem to have known each other a while, regardless of context. A part of me wanted to approach them, but my motives weren’t entirely pure. I felt possessiveness over Todd that didn’t feel warranted. We haven’t even known each other for a full week yet. Who was I to lay claim? The other part of me wanted to become invisible, because I was still slightly unsettled from that odd non-encounter with the blonde days earlier.

The Secrets Held Within, Chapter 12

Chapter 12, The Bookstore

After my stomach felt the need to shout out to everyone at City Hall – bringing to mind the need to have a talk with my stomach – Todd and I decided to share our finds at Betsy’s Diner over a deliciously sloppy stacked Grilled Cheese Sandwich, homemade chips, and of course milkshakes.

“It appears your grandmother, Lillian, sold the property to a Bruce Jackson in 1996. I am going to do more research on the sale, but your family did own that property beginning in 1953.”

“Coinciding with the obit reference of residency in Copseville since 1953,” I thought aloud as I sipped my shake, awaiting the arrival of my meal. As we waited, we read through the copies of records before us, the shuffling of paper audible as we sorted out the relevant information held between the pages.

The Secrets Held Within, Bonus Material #4

Copesville Site Map

Image above is built, created, drawn, by me, The Paisley Butterfly.
Ivy's description in:
CHAPTER 3

The Secrets Held Within, Chapter 11

Chapter 11, The Piece of Paper

I just finished recounting the vision I experienced upon my collapse into Todd’s arms, when the bookshelves moved to reveal a hidden room. It is the following morning; we are at Jittering Joe’s, where I am enjoying a wonderful Irish Cream Macchiato, with an extra espresso shot. Todd is sipping a caramel Frappuccino. He had been wonderful the day before…

…Once I came out of my stupor, he escorted me to the family room where he built a calm fire and brought me a cold glass of water. No words were shared. They were unnecessary in our silent bliss. I have always wondered what it would be like to find that one person you could commune with in spirit and mind, words absent. I believe it would be like this: A silence so comforting that a mere look or brush of the hand conveys emotions, feelings, and thoughts, enough to write a novel. I have that here with Todd. I choose to just enjoy it; revel in it; not over think it. In fact, I choose to give up control of thought from here forward. Lord, harness my mind; yield it to your will. Amen.

The Secrets Held Within, Bonus Material #3

Ivy's Cabin Site @ Golden Bluff Cabins

Image above is built, created, drawn, by me, The Paisley Butterfly. 

Ivy's description found in:

 CHAPTER 5, CHAPTER 7, CHAPTER 8, CHAPTER 9

BONUS MATERIAL #4 found here!

The Secrets Held Within, Bonus Material #2

  Ivy's Cabin @ Golden Bluff Cabins

1st Floor Plan

Image above is built, created, drawn, by me, The Paisley Butterfly.
Ivy's description found in: CHAPTER 1

2nd Floor Plan

Image above is built, created, drawn, by me, The Paisley Butterfly.
Ivy's descriptions found in:
CHAPTER 4, CHAPTER 5, CHAPTER 6, CHAPTER 10

BONUS MATERIAL #3 found here!

The Secrets Held Within, Chapter 10

Chapter 10, The Bookshelf

“Ok, so walk me through last night.” Todd and I were standing in the middle of the locked room. I walked through the series of events from the night before: the force of a mysterious wind slamming the door…the shock of darkness…the creak of a rocking chair…candles aflame flickering wildly…window open with billowing sheers…incessant banging on the door…shadow figure hightailing it around the cabin…the abrupt end to it all.

Moving toward the bookshelf, half in this world, half in the memories of last night, I recalled, “It all started with the book. Just as I was about to pick it up, everything changed…And I remember seeing the book when it suddenly ended. The book seemed to have a glow about it.”

Todd listened. I was falling in love with his patience. With slight trepidation, I reached out slowly pulling this book that suddenly had much meaning from the shelf. It felt heavy, its weight a presence in my hands. There was something special about this book. It was a very old book, almost possessing a personality of its own. I was unable to make out the title on the cover. The binding creased, the corners frayed.