I don’t want to do this. Point blank.
I find it ironic that I am doing a prayer study and I don’t want to pray about it, because I know I have to do it and I don’t want to.
I am acting like a child.
And, I know this.
I also know that I am just being stubborn, and that I am the problem here. I am choosing to throw a spiritual tantrum.
Please understand I am not sharing this with you for the sake of complaining. Actually, I am not complaining in the least: I am realizing my truth. I am being honest with myself.
This leads me to why I am sharing this:
We all struggle with our faith, our prayers, and our relationship with God. I want to be better. I know that I have a maturity in the spiritual sense, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t still hard for me, or that I don't struggle with the basic, or that I don’t make big mistakes in this regard. So I want to share with you that no matter where you are in the spectrum of a relationship with God and Jesus, there are going to be times of trial, adversity, and pain. Most of which we inflict on ourselves.
I know God wants me to do this.
And I will.
This is hard. No one said it wouldn’t be. I even know what makes it hard: if I were doing this study just for the sake of it, it would be easier: I would read, ponder, answer questions, and travel down the road my heart takes.
I wouldn’t necessarily be caught up in the differences between where I have begun and where I am being taken, and where the prayer study starts and travels. I wouldn’t zoom in on these glaring variances and dissect why they are different, or how they are different, or how to write about both. I am in one place; the study is in another…
But because I am breaking down the prayer study AND my own personal journey, I find that I am doing twice the work – or so it seems.
I am over thinking.
Here is what I am learning about myself as of late:
- I am building walls, stunting my spiritual growth.
- I am getting in God’s way.
- I know how I should pray and don’t…fearful of what the answer will be.
- Sometimes I whisper a prayer not sure I am ready for the answer God has for me.
- I know I must pray.
- And to do it better.
- I have faith.
- But I still question, much to my own dismay…will I ever get out of my own head?
- I want to understand – all that God is willing to share with me.
- I struggle with the spiritual growing pains.
- I can only explain so much of what is going on in my spirit, simply because there are no words.
- Each relationship with God is Awesome and entirely unique.
- I love God with everything.
- I strive to walk God’s path for me.
So, I will pray for God to reveal His heart to me. I will also pray that His words are understood; that I convey His message to be known. I will write two articles, if necessary. I am going to make an effort to not focus on the negatives. Another thing that might help is if I relaxed. And I need to stop worrying about whether or not I have to breakdown/cover every single reading of the prayer study. I am putting pressure and weight on my shoulders that I should not own.
Why am I not just opening myself up to God’s will in this? If I would have asked the prayer I was so afraid I couldn’t handle the answer to, then how much further would I be in this study? It turns out I had nothing to fear – at all. I was concerned I’d have to do something that seemed impossible to me, just so I could finally hear that I worried for no reason! I didn’t get the answer I thought I would get!
All of that time I spent being frustrated became a wall between me and God.
I chose to be frustrated.
I chose to stomp my feet.
And I chose not to hear God.
Because of this, I have lived in a chosen ‘misery’, fretting about what would be expected of me.
Who knows where I would be if I hadn’t gotten in my way, in God’s way.
So here is Week 2, Day 2 of the Prayer Study: Prayer Misconceptions, Part 1