Lately, I have been reveling in the blessings God has thrown my way: my marriage, my family unit, this house, my job, this blog…all is good…
I have more purpose. I am expressing my passion. I love my job. My family is strong and has come together in a way we never have been before our move to this house. I also feel fatigue, aches, and am at times wondering how to get more hours in my day.
So, why have I found myself wanting more? Why do I feel a sense of boredom? Why am I wishing I was already in my southern state living on my homestead? I know it’s not time. I also know I am really not ready, as much as I may think I am.
It took much reflection to realize that I have transcended faith in my relationship with God. We have reached a deeper point within our relationship. A place where there are no words for it. I find that I feel and experience so many emotions simultaneously; I am not sure what to do with them. I have also realized that not one emotion is greater than or taking precedence over, any other. This brings to mind a kind of peace I have never known before. What used to rile me up doesn’t. What used to make me sad doesn’t. This culmination of emotional calm is so foreign to me, I feel a bit empty and numb; yet I know that is not truly what is going on within my spirit.
Guess what? All of that work I have done to quiet my mind, still my heart, and move out of God’s way so I may hear His truth is coming to fruition. This boredom, wanting for more is really about the fact that I am no longer wasting mental and emotional energy on things that are not mine to take on. I have emptied myself of worthless worry and thoughts leaving space for God to inhabit, sustain, and expound.
I have changed my mind! I have changed how I focus, what I focus on, and how I allow these things to affect me. Through relentless prayer, much time practicing being still, and trying to honor the silence and solitude God has requested of me, God has been able to correct the wrong in my thinking. As we grow from children to adults, we are being molded, we are exposed. We take on beliefs, thoughts, feelings that build upon each other. We learn what is right, what is wrong. We learn to discern what we need to say, do, or think in order to survive the best we can. A lot of times abiding by what ‘society’, ‘friends’, or ‘family’ (particularly parents) tell us how we need to be, how need to think, what need to say is easiest. And it’s hard to see when something isn’t right for us based on what we have been taught. We have a responsibility to ourselves, and to God, to evaluate everything that has become us and decide for ourselves what is right.
It wasn’t right for me to put the wants and expectations of certain major influential people in my life first. I was putting their needs of me before God’s needs. I placed their expectations before the well being of my marriage. I put them before my child. All because of how I was conditioned. Everything that I thought I was, every decision that I made, thinking I was doing right based on the wills of others, was so subtle that I was blind to the wrongness of it. God had a lot of wrong to undo. I had to make the active choice that enough was enough! God needed me to be ready for His change in me. He planted the seed of a prayer for me to ask for my God given identity. This opened a door that led to the relationship I currently have with my Lord.
Where I am with Him is awesome. There are no words to truthfully describe where I am with God right now. I don’t quite understand it myself. In my Walking In Faith post, I explain my understanding of faith in how the more you live in faith, the more you understand faith, the harder and deeper faith becomes. The more faith you experience, the more you are tested within your faith. Seems cruel on the surface, but really it is an amazing journey leading to the wonderful fulfillment of God’s promises.
I have come to see that my relationship with God is much the same, especially in the way of how my understanding of things pertaining to God, Jesus, and the bible become deeper. By moving out of God’s way, inviting Him in to orchestrate my life, God has changed my mind, my heart, and my spirit.