Lately, I have been reveling in the blessings God has thrown
my way: my marriage, my family unit, this house, my job, this blog…all is good…
I have more purpose. I am expressing my passion. I love my
job. My family is strong and has come together in a way we never have been
before our move to this house. I also feel fatigue, aches, and am at times
wondering how to get more hours in my day.
So, why have I found myself wanting more? Why do I feel a
sense of boredom? Why am I wishing I was already in my southern state living on
my homestead? I know it’s not time. I also know I am really not ready, as much
as I may think I am.
It took much reflection to realize that I have transcended
faith in my relationship with God. We have reached a deeper point within our
relationship. A place where there are no words for it. I find that I feel and
experience so many emotions simultaneously; I am not sure what to do with them.
I have also realized that not one emotion is greater than or taking precedence
over, any other. This brings to mind a kind of peace I have never known before.
What used to rile me up doesn’t. What used to make me sad doesn’t. This
culmination of emotional calm is so foreign to me, I feel a bit empty and numb;
yet I know that is not truly what is going on within my spirit.
Guess what? All of that work I have done to quiet my mind,
still my heart, and move out of God’s way so I may hear His truth is coming to
fruition. This boredom, wanting for more is really about the fact that I am no
longer wasting mental and emotional energy on things that are not mine to take
on. I have emptied myself of worthless worry and thoughts leaving space for God
to inhabit, sustain, and expound.
I have changed my mind! I have changed how I focus, what I
focus on, and how I allow these things to affect me. Through relentless prayer,
much time practicing being still, and trying to honor the silence and solitude
God has requested of me, God has been able to correct the wrong in my thinking.
As we grow from children to adults, we are being molded, we are exposed. We
take on beliefs, thoughts, feelings that build upon each other. We learn what
is right, what is wrong. We learn to discern what we need to say, do, or think
in order to survive the best we can. A lot of times abiding by what ‘society’, ‘friends’,
or ‘family’ (particularly parents) tell us how we need to be, how need to
think, what need to say is easiest. And it’s hard to see when something isn’t
right for us based on what we have been taught. We have a responsibility to
ourselves, and to God, to evaluate everything that has become us and decide for
ourselves what is right.
It wasn’t right for me to put the wants and expectations of
certain major influential people in my life first. I was putting their needs of
me before God’s needs. I placed their expectations before the well being of my
marriage. I put them before my child. All because of how I was conditioned. Everything
that I thought I was, every decision that I made, thinking I was doing right
based on the wills of others, was so subtle that I was blind to the wrongness of
it. God had a lot of wrong to undo. I had to make the active choice that enough
was enough! God needed me to be ready for His change in me. He planted the seed
of a prayer for me to ask for my God given identity. This opened a door that
led to the relationship I currently have with my Lord.
Where I am with Him is awesome. There are no words to
truthfully describe where I am with God right now. I don’t quite understand it
myself. In my Walking In Faith post, I explain my understanding of faith in how
the more you live in faith, the more you understand faith, the harder and
deeper faith becomes. The more faith you experience, the more you are tested within
your faith. Seems cruel on the surface, but really it is an amazing journey
leading to the wonderful fulfillment of God’s promises.
I have come to see that my relationship with God is much the
same, especially in the way of how my understanding of things pertaining to
God, Jesus, and the bible become deeper. By moving out of God’s way, inviting
Him in to orchestrate my life, God has changed my mind, my heart, and my
spirit.
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