Chapter
19, The Wandering Self
It’s decided: I am certifiably crazy!
I am such a mess right now; I don’t even
know what to think. As I try to recollect the past few days, I am sent
spinning, a force greater than I could ever hope to overcome. The mind is a
mysterious maze of muddled muck! Fortunately, alliteration is on point!
Sarcasm is a wonderful coping tool…but
only for a short while. It is amazing how much of the physical world falls away
when one is lost within their mind: a dimension all its own, private, secret to
the one in possession of said mind.
Sigh…
I am walking a pace that makes me appear
to have some urgent errand to run: Purposeful. If only. Of course, I do have a
purpose; I just have no way of knowing how to fulfill that purpose.
I keep repeating all that has transpired
in the past seven days, a reel stuck on a loop, doomed to play forever. I can’t
believe my vacation is half over and I feel farther from the truth than before
I got here. My brain, working in overdrive, trying to summarize the information
it’s absorbed into a cohesive paragraph of facts, interrupted by questions.
Here it goes:
My mother, Rosemarie, made a decision
that only my grandmother, Lillian, knew about. What was that decision? Somehow, Oliver, my uncle, found out,
affecting a plan set in motion years before. Why? And how? I am assuming Oliver did, or said, something to the
wrong people in regards to this secret, that resulted in him being killed. But by whom? My mother was then
blackmailed and attacked. But in what
order? And, again, by whom? This caused my mother and grandmother to keep
me in the cabin in an effort to protect me. What
made the bookstore so dangerous? Was there something there? Were they involved
in something dark?
Other questions swirling in nauseating
form: What exactly happened to Rosemarie?
Why was I sent away from Copseville? What did I see that was so horrific? And
where did my grandfather, Carter, really go?
The biggest question: Who is my father?
Sigh…Again…But louder and deeper. I can’t
help but question the series of events from the past week. Did they happen as I recall?
Half of my reality of time spent here during the present has been in my mind. Between
dreams and visions of the past, what is real?
I fold my arms around my chest, wishing
for a jacket. The temperature the lowest it’s been since I arrived, the breeze
harsher, more of a swooping wind desperate to make its presence known to all
who have ventured into Mother Nature. Crisp is the word to describe the
conditions of the Outside. The crunching under my feet startle me, this being
the first time I am aware of the noise coming from my quick stride. I look
around, seeing rays of light filter through the canopy high above; few of the
fallen leaves and ferns still retaining drops of dew, now glistening where the
light cascades across their surfaces.
My shoes are wet. So are my feet.
There’s lack of foresight for you – sarcasm again – and I roll my eyes at myself. I realize I have no idea where I
am. I started on the trail that leads from the cabin to Overlook Pass, only now
understanding I have headed north instead of east. The odd thing, I am still on
a path of some sort. It’s almost as if my body knew where to take me, while my
mind was busy with other things.
God, the human flesh is an interesting
mystery of wonders! I am in awe…of God. What an intricately delicate form to
have created, that is just as equally strong. Mind blowing…of course it could
be argued my mind is already blown…
I choose to get lost in my thoughts, to
prevent a detour my body does not want. If I start to think about where I am
walking I may actually get lost – of course, I know the highway is to the east.
My mind wanders to the three people that have rallied around me: Stella, Todd,
and Ava. What a blessing God has bestowed upon me. The only problem, I have no
idea who to be around them. I do not even know who I am, so how am I to be when
in their presence?
Stella: my rock. I know that whatever
form I exist, she will always be my best friend, caring about what is best for
me.
Ava – this one is harder. I knew her in
a former life. Based on my recollections, though there are few, we had fun
together. Honest, wholesome fun. I wonder what secrets we shared. It’s evident
there are secrets we didn’t share. How long did we know each other? Can we
rekindle our lost friendship? Can we start anew? I have to assume she still
cares, leading me to believe she was terribly hurt by the events of the past.
Can we heal our scars together?
Todd. What can I say? He is a beautiful
man that has chosen me while being slapped in the face with my varying crazy.
He is obviously a strong secure man. He is tender and warm. He is smart and mischievous.
He is wonderful. I can’t help but wonder, what will we be like when we have the
answers and everything that has brought us together has dissipated into the
past? When will I become boring to him?
It has been seven days. Am I allowed to
give myself a break?
It just now dawns on me that I left the
cabin without letting them know where I went, or that I left. Once I heard I lived
above the bookstore…
~ ~ ~
Reticence Unlocked.
I walked through the woods to the south
side of town. Looking before me, I notice I am standing in front of the back
entry to the bookstore. Is this how I walked to and from town and the cabin? Makes
sense that there would be a path between the two locations. The path is only one
and a half miles. It also makes sense I would be used to coming in the rear
entry. A flash of the man running into the woods from the cabin graces the
forefront of my mind. What if he came from town instead of Overlook Pass? I
feel as if I have a puzzle but only half of the pieces…Will this picture ever
be complete?
~ ~ ~
Believe it or not – I’m not sure if I do
– the current owners of Reticence Unlocked actually are fans of Lillian
Sanders! That part of my delusion was, well, not a delusion. Insert smiley face
here!
But, I cannot smile. I am not sure what
I have said to this lovely couple to gain their trust in me, but whatever it
was, they had no hesitation of letting me in. Maybe they fear I will need
psychiatric help after the other day. They certainly remember it – it seems my
delusion began before the “tour” of the rooms in the back of the shop. It amazes
me how the mind works, to ease us into transitions within the mind. I can’t
help but think my own mind has tricked me. And that makes me a little salty.
Anyhow, here I am, with the couple in
tow, though at a distance. I think they just want to make sure I don’t freak
out. I touch surfaces, running my fingers across desks, chairs, counters,
willing them to speak to me. I want them to share their memories. I realize
that what will probably have the most impact on my memory is the apartment I
grew up in. I am not sure that I am ready for such an event; however, I know I
must move forward. How will I get up there? Is it presumptuous to ask? Will
they be offended? I am secretly grateful I am alone. Todd, Stella, and Ava left
behind. Time has passed, nerve not building. When will they tire of me? I tell myself
to just bite the bullet. What’s the worst that will happen, they say no?
Ask
and you shall receive.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
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