The Secrets Held Within, Chapter 16

Chapter 16, The Disorganized Mind

“Why have you kept silent for so long?” This question is asked by a man, clearly concerned, yet also bordering on angry.

I am sitting on the steps leading to the locked room. I know this now. The argument is taking place in the family room. It’s dark outside; I can hear the wind whipping through the trees. I am nervous, fearful of being caught eavesdropping.

“Because,” the words slow, thoughtful, but non-apologetic, “I thought it was the best thing for Ivy…” I recognize her voice, a memory within a dream: Mother. She sighs, sounding near to tears. I do not know where she is, for I am unable to see either of them, but imagine her sitting on the couch, elbows on knees, and head in her hands. Somehow, I have full recollection of what she looks like, how she positions her body, and the way her face changes with emotions. “I honestly thought I would never see him again.”

The Light

 We all have our days of frustration, and sometimes 

the negative things in life can start to take hold, bringing us down. 

I recently found myself in the “part” of being “down”. 

I started feeling tired and weak, 

all my energy gone. 

And on top of that, 

a wisdom tooth was having its way with me…

I hadn’t prayed in weeks. 

It didn’t even cross my mind. 

Then, one night, 

while I was moping on the couch, 

my son turned to me and said, 

“I love you, Daddad.” 

His eyes loving and as beautiful as a full moon, 

his smile as true and pure as the earth’s horizon – a light!

God’s Light!

And the more I looked around, 
I noticed it was everywhere. 
At that moment, I realized I had stopped looking for it, 
therefore, all I saw was darkness and gloom. 
From that moment on, 
I decided to only look for the light, 
for what made me smile, 
and for what I am grateful. 
Life is a gift. 
Be grateful; be pure; be positive. 
Trust in God’s love; He won’t let you down. 
He will teach you lessons and make you think, 
but He will always be there for you. 
And if you just look, you will find His Light everywhere…

The Rustic Knight

Finding Joy & Laughter In A Serious Place

Here is an excerpt from an email conversation with my wonderful friend. Fortunately, we both have a sense of humor. First, let me set the scene: My friend and I had our weekly girls night on Friday, I hosted. While she was here, I kept adjust my phantom glasses. Now, I just got a new contact lens prescription a couple of hours before she came over -- it has been almost 8 years since I last wore contacts -- and I had them in while she visited. My current glasses are 5 years old (I have new glasses on order). I believed that due to my glasses being old, out of whack, and constantly hit by my son's flailing arms, due to his inability to be aware of his extremities at any given time, was why I felt constant pressure on my nose...this was not the case. The symptoms became serious in a this-is-affecting-my-daily-life way, beginning a week ago, Wednesday. I could no longer ignore them and had to see a doctor. 

So, here is the excerpt (names changed):

Christian Person Week

Upon checking my email this morning, I came across this lovely forward, sent by my grandmother. This is the first I have heard of Christian Person Week, and decided to share this beautifully written poem with all of you. I am not sure who the author of this poem is, but I give credit to him/her. I hope you enjoy!

When I say that 'I am a Christian', I am not shouting that 'I am clean living.'

I'm whispering 'I was lost, but now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say 'I am a Christian', I don't speak of this with pride.

I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say 'I am a Christian', I'm not trying to be strong.

I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say 'I am a Christian', I'm not bragging of success.

I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say 'I am a Christian', I'm not claiming to be perfect.

My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say 'I am a Christian', I still feel the sting of pain.

I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say 'I am a Christian', I'm not holier than thou,

I'm just a simple sinner who received God's good grace, somehow!

Today is Beautiful Christian Person's Day.

Pretty is as Pretty does but, Beautiful is just plain Beautiful..

Be Blessed, Be a Blessing.

When you feel like you're drowning in life, 

don't worry -- your Lifeguard walks on water. 

The Secrets Held Within, Chapter 15

Chapter 15, Silence Broken

“Ava?” I was astonished. I just stood before her, door open, my hand still resting on the door knob. She looked cold, still donning her lovely dress, though now adorned with a jacket. She clenched her clutch in front of her, both hands on handle. “Wh-what are you doing here?” That was not the only question running through my mind. I was also wondering, how did you know where I was? Why are you here in the middle of the night?

Stella approached my side, lightly placing her hand around my waist. It took me a moment to realize she was guiding me from the entry, to allow Ava passage into our warm cabin. “Hi, I’m Stella, Ivy’s friend. I just joined her. Please, come in. We have coffee. Would you like a cup?”

Ava tentatively crossed the threshold, unsure if she was truly welcome. Glancing at me, I came to and smiled, quickly saying, “Yes, I’m sorry. I seem to have forgotten my manners.” Able to move on my own accord, once again, I led Ava to the kitchen. Stella took her jacket and purse to the hall lockers. Suddenly, concern draped my body. Something had to have happened for her to come all the way out here, at two o’clock in the morning. “How do you like your coffee?” 

God's Sovereignty, Part 1

My mother had started a prayer study almost two years ago, sharing with me bits of her journey. After I expressed interest in doing the same, she picked up a couple of books for The Rustic Knight and me. I must say, I have had these for longer than I'd like to admit. For whatever reason, the timing just wasn't right. Now, I believe the timing wasn't right prior to The Paisley Butterfly's existence, for the purpose of sharing this experience with you :) And I am going to do my best to be completely honest and transparent with my thoughts and feelings in the moment of completing each section of this study...So, here we go!

The theme for Day 1 is: "Can I change God?"

To be honest, this is a thought that has never entered my mind -- that I can recall. I've understood prayer to be about opening myself up to God's will, to change me. I never had the intent to sway God to my wants, or to bend God to my will. Maybe it's the way I was raised in my faith, I have no idea. That's not to say I haven't needed much practice in prayer. 

I am asked in the study a multiple choice question, of what I assume happens in heaven after I pray. The options vary around the idea that we can change God's mind. There is an option none of the above. I choose this, writing, NO! Prayer changes us! 

Then, I am to read the prayer:

~ Psalm 25:4-5 ~

4 Show me your ways, O Lord, 

teach me your paths;

5 guide me in your truth and teach me, 

for you are God my Savior.

The Lord's Prayer

If ever you find yourself in a place where words to pray escape you, remember the Lord's Prayer. This is given to us by Jesus, found in the new testament:

~ Luke 11:2-4 ~

Father, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come. 

Give us each day our daily bread. 

Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. 

And lead us not into temptation. 

The version I grew up with goes like this: 

Our Father, 

who art in heaven,

hallowed be thy name. 

Thy kingdom come, 

thy will be done, 

on earth as it is in heaven. 

Give us this day our daily bread, 

and forgive us our trespasses, 

as we forgive those who trespass against us. 

And lead us not into temptation, 

but deliver us from evil. 

For thine is the kingdom, 

and the power, 

and the glory. 

Forever and ever. 

Amen

Stacked Grilled Cheese

I was in the mood for a grilled cheese the other day, inspired by Ivy's sandwich in Chapter 12 of The Secrets Held Within. So, upon staking out my fridge, looking for what spoke to my tummy, I opted for tomatoes and mushrooms.

Taking two pieces of bread, I layered the cheese and veggies: Mozzarella, Tomatoes, Provolone, Mushrooms and Tomatoes, Mozzarella, Mushrooms, Provolone. Then, after placing the sky high sandwich within the toaster over, I set the temperature to 250 degrees.

And watched...

Once the bottom was browned, I flipped it over.

And watched some more...

Once I saw the cheese start to ooze, I was mesmerized.... All of that gooey cheese was going to taste so good. The thought of it made my mouth salivate. I don't know how much time passed, but all of a sudden, I had to hurry, lest the cheese separate from my sandwich and fall to the floor of the toaster oven! I rushed to plate it, opening the door and sliding it on a plate, before said disaster could take place.

Look how pretty it is!!! And it tasted just as wonderful :)

The Bible Study Is Really A Prayer Study

Alright, I know I said my first post for this bible study would come Friday -- and I will still post on Friday --however, having started this study, there are two things that I have come to understand. The first being, it is more of a prayer study than a bible study. The book has each day of the study broken down. There are weekly chapters, with daily assignments, if you will. Since my goal is to not only share the actual study with you, but also what is happening to me internally (thoughts, feelings, etc.), I am not sure I can follow through with my original plan, as it stands. Second, I believe my expectations of following the daily breakdown have been wildly aggressive. This is because the study is turning out to be more involved than I realized. If I complete the weekly study based on how the book lays it out, then try to pack all of that information, and my process, into one weekly post, I feel that I will be doing this entire experience a disservice.

So, that being said, I am altering my original proposal. I am going to forsake any time limit I have placed on this study, and the time expectations given by the book, in an effort to allow this study to unfold as it chooses. By spending more time where it deserves, I can truly share my thoughts, feelings, and understanding of this study with you. 

And, I am still planning on posting once a week in regards to my study. I just don't know how many "days" I will have covered within the book per post.

I look forward to sharing with you, and hope that you will continue to be patient with me on this endeavor! May God be with you! :)

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Prayer Study Day 1 here

The Secrets Held Within, Chapter 14

Chapter 14, The Visitor

“So, this is the book?” Stella was sitting on the couch next to me in the cabin. We each had a mug of coffee, steam swirling in lovely whimsy. I had a decorative pillow in my lap, playing with the fringe, as my other hand was bordering on burnt from the scorching hot mug. I breathed in the aroma of freshly brewed dark roast, with a splash of Irish cream creamer. Stella’s mug was currently residing on a coaster atop the coffee table, Lillian Sander’s book in hand.

It was late. Darkness had encased the earth some hours ago, bringing Stella with it. The sound of her car door slamming shut, followed by the clicking of her skipping up the stairs to the porch, was a sigh of relief from heaven. She welcomed herself in yelling, “Hey love! Momma is here,” the moment the front door swung open. She was adorable in a blue dress, falling mid-thigh, with ruffles around the collar, meeting in a V just above the natural waist. Under the palest yellow sweater I have ever encountered, a thick brown belt cinched it all together. Her hair fell to her shoulders, an interesting strawberry blonde.

I met her in the hall, sporting sweatpants, which came just below the knee, and a hoody. My brown hair pulled up in a messy bun. In five minutes, her glamour was gone, replaced with natural beauty in comfort, matching messy bun and all.

“Yeah, that’s the book.” I felt empty. No, confused numbness – too many conflicting emotions, the toll of discernment an unbearable weight, leaving the only course of action to close in on itself – is more appropriate. I feel that I am at a crossroads, only there is no road to take. This map is a jumbled mess of inaccurate memories, facts that are vague, and doubt becoming a very prevalent reality.